I have been trying to figure out how to write this post for weeks.
How do I put into words my thoughts and feelings from the past 9 months?
Funny, challenging, hard, stressful, exciting, thoughtful, growth, lessons, pulled, testimony, empty, loss, love, strength, friends, careful, giving, taking, learning, change.
Those are just some of the thousands of words that come into my head when I think of my Sophomore year of college.
I think of the Lauren that arrived back to SVU in August of 2015. She knew nothing. She was flying high on being back in the place she loved, scared of the adventures coming, relying too much on someone else and the expectations for how she thought her life should play out. Within the first two weeks of RA training I had already spent a few hours on Kadee's floor bawling my eyes out.
My sweet girls arrived to their new home in The Lofts 301-312. They were terrified and quiet and had this glow of adventure in their eyes. They were ready for this next year and I couldn't help thinking, "Just you wait".
I remember when we survived check in day and thought that was a successful task. If only we knew what was in store as RAs!
I knew I would love my girls, well, I hoped at the very least. But I didn't expect them to become some of my closets friends. I didn't expect them to bring me so much joy. I didn't expect them to completely take my life and shape it into the person I have become. They each taught me something about people and myself. I laughed with them, I talked to them, I cried with them, I prayed for them, I love them.
Thank you.
I loved the HRA's right when I was hired, but I am thrilled that they turned out to become some of my great friends and favorite people.
Thank you Alison and Jeremiah for having me over for dinner a few times and always being an example.
Thank you Brady and Stephanie for making me laugh and laugh! Thanks for the hot chocolate and treats. Thanks for all the service you both provide constantly.
Reva, thank you for being hilarious. You give so much and are aware of so many people. I am so excited for little baby Rogers to enter the world!
Cody, you have helped me more than you realize. You have become such a good friend and I love when you randomly come and talk to me. Our conversations always make me smile! I appreciate every time you make sure to come and say hi and make sure I am doing okay.
Also, thank you for fried chicken.
I never expected the other RA's to become my best friends. Let me tell you something, being an RA is tough. And if it wasn't for other RA's, I would have gone crazy. There is this special bond between RA's. You know a lot and you have to trust and rely on each other all throughout the year if you want things to run smoothly.
Gregg, Jose, Andrew, and Josh thanks for providing random comments and laughs every single day.
Elise and Katie thank you for your constant random adventures and spiritual conversations.
Carla, thank you for constantly letting me vent to you about all of life's dramas. Our dinning hall vent sessions became one of my favorite things.
Desi thank you for your smiles and always checking up on me whenever you saw me.
Kaylin, thank you for being such an amazing example. You had some crazy things happen this year and your positivity and the way you handled it all was incredible.
Jordan, thank you for making me laugh and go crazy at least once a day. It was amazing we ever made it through a conversation ;) Your testimony and light amazed me everyday and the way you are so focused on the gospel and serve with the helping hand of the spirit encourages me. You are going to do amazing things.
Brigham, Jared, and Cody thank you for everything you do. I love you guys more than I know you know! Thank you for all you did for your guys and in your callings. Thank you for being worthy priesthood holders. You all constantly boosted people up and served everyone around you.
Brigham thanks for the stream of movie quotes and constant laughs.
Cody thank you for the random hugs.
Jared thank you for always watching out for me, teasing me, and making me smile all the time.
John John thanks for driving me crazy all the time and for constantly teasing me. Thanks for listening to all my random stories and ideas and rants. Thanks for teaching me many lessons and for being there.
Emma, Rylee, and Kadee. We were the power 4. No, we are the power 4.
Emma. I adore you. Thank you for all those times you yelled down our hall calling my name, making everyone else question our sanity. Thank you for always talking sense into me and letting me cry and vent in your room. Thank you for our Emma and Lauren dates. Thank you for your strong testimony and never being afraid to teach me. Thank you for being you. Your confidence is something I strive for.
Rylee, thank you for your love. I am going to miss you! I don't know if you remember the day we sat and talked in the lobby till like 2am, but I was grateful for that moment because after that I knew we could always talk. I cherish those conversations and the things you taught me. I loved watching you grow this semester. I don't know how you do it all, but you are incredible.
Kadee. I feel like it would take me 100 years to thank you for everything you have done for me. Thanks for letting me cry...all the time. Thanks for telling me I'm not completely insane. Thanks for bringing me food more than once. Thanks for the service you gave as Relief Society President and to your hall 24 hours a day. Thanks for loving me when I felt like I didn't deserve it. Thanks for letting me rant to you at 1am when I know you just wanted to sleep. Thanks for always sharing your testimony with me and your little epiphanies. I learned so much from those and your example. Thanks for letting me tell you all the things ;) all the time. All the stupid wants and wishes and desires of my heart. I know you will be one of my closest friends forever. And I am so beyond grateful for that.
Now that I bawled my eyes out thinking of those amazing people, I will try to sum up some of the things I learned. But I can tell you right now that there were so many lessons that I know I cannot adequately express and share all of them.
Revelation.
Promptings and Revelation are so real. The Holy Ghost is incredible and the fact that we can have a member of the Godhead as our constant companion is something that we should not take lightly. If we feel something, we should not discount that. This semester I cannot tell you the countless times that I had little thoughts to turn and walk a different direction, or to go say hi to someone, or text someone something. Those moments changed the course of my day and lessons I learned. I recognized the importance of trusting yourself and those promptings. It is so important to act on them, love them, and cherish them.
Choices.
This is one that I am still learning about. We all make 1000 choices in a day. Our whole life is hinged on choices. What we do and where we go are choices. The Gospel is a choice. We can't control other peoples choices. And it sounds strange but when I think of choices I think of a lot of "yes" answers. But I have learned that "no" is sometimes the choice. And that fascinates me. Choices flat out terrify me and I feel like I am awful at them. I feel completely overwhelmed by the amount of choices I have coming up. But I also feel like I am discovering how grateful I am that we have the power to choose. It allows us control of our lives. We are on this earth because we CHOOSE to be here. Fear and doubt just hinder the Lord from being able to help guide us.
The Power of Home Evening.
I love Family Home Evening. It was a tough calling at times, but ultimately it made my testimony of people and families grow. Home Evening helps unite a group of people to one goal. It allows for council and reflection and helps in adding to your spiritual cup for the rest of the week.
The Adversary.
Satan is very real. I can feel him working on me as my scripture study gets in a rut and I waste so much time on pointless time wasters. I felt him as I knew big decisions were coming up this semester. I saw him work on my friends as they were growing into the people they were meant to become. It scares me how real he is, but the knowledge that God's power matches and exceeds the Adversary's power is so comforting.
Trials.
Trials are very real things. But one of the biggest lessons that Kadee has taught me is that trials don't come from Satan. Trials come from God to mold us and shape us to who we need to become.
Becoming.
This gospel helps us to become. Learning who we want to become and finding out who Heavenly Father wants and needs us to become is hard. It's also so crucial to this life.
Atonement.
The Atonement is amazing. There are so many facets to the Atonement that I wish I could comprehend. What a blessing it is in my life and everyone here on this earth. I am given the power to learn, grow, repent, and become BECAUSE of the Atonement. How amazing.
God Works Through People.
This is something I have said countless times in these posts. But honestly. God puts you where you need to be and places people that are meant to help you. I look around on campus sometimes and try to imagine not knowing these people here at SVU. It is so hard for me. I love these people and they have shaped me. Along with this though I have learned that just like others have the power to help the Lord and be his hands, I also have that power. It takes work and trusting in God and making sure you are in a place to be ready to accept the promptings in order to help. But man, is it powerful.
Emptiness.
My Bishop one day told me that people take so much from me that I am left an empty shell. I felt that so strongly the last few months. I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing. I love serving others and sharing with them the things I have to offer. But what I did learn is that I am also so important. I can't fully serve someone if I am not in a good place. Its hard for me to want to recognize that I need help sometimes too, but working on accepting the love of others is very important.
Family.
I am so grateful for my family everyday. Thank you for all your love and constant support. Looking back at some of the conversations Lynn and I had driving out to SVU, those helped prepare me for lessons I would be learning. I love getting texts and emails and phone calls from cousins and family. I saw a lot of broken families this year and it made me increasingly grateful for the crazy bunch of hooligans I get to call my family.
Stress.
A day in the life of Lauren's head:
What do I have to do today? Do I have time to do that? When can I eat today? Can I take a nap? What are my girls doing? Can I help them? My back hurts, am I dying? Should I be worried? Is that one person still my friend? Remember that thing you said like five months ago to that one person? Yeah.. maybe you shouldn't have said that. Do they remember? They probably hate you. How should I feel about that? Where is my friend today? Are they okay? That person didn't seem okay? Oh no! I think that was a piece of trash.. why didn't I pick it up? I am a horrible person? I am so stressed! Should I be stressed? What am I doing with my life?
All I want is ice cream. Yup. I am going to eat ice cream.
Alley.
Surviving without Alley these past 9 months have been so difficult! I love her constant support and crazy stories and conversations. I miss her calling me at 1am to help her find her keys even though I was over 2000 miles away. She is incredible and I have had more than one crying breakdown about how much I miss her.
Service.
SVU has a school moto or goal that we all strive for. We are all learning to becoming Leader-Servants. I heard someone say that we can't lead unless we have a servants heart. I learned so much about service this year. Giving love and time to the people around you is probably the greatest act of service you can give and receive.
Expectations.
Beware of expectations. They have a way of ruining relationships and taking you out of the moment.
Ward Council.
This became one of my favorite things. Its amazing the work and spirit that was felt in those meetings. I became such good friends with this group of people. Thank you for all the laughs and smiles! And thank you Bishop Rasmussen and the whole Rasmussen family.
Simplicity.
This Gospel is so simple. The simplicity is what confuses a lot of people. But of course it would be simple!
A Life Time of Study.
When you go to the Louvre, one of my all time favorite artist has this massive painting right outside the room with the Mona Lisa. Hundreds of people are packed into a room to see a tiny painting, while outside there is a wall size painting with bright vibrant colors and a beautiful story with maybe five people causally walking by. Thats how I feel sometimes with the scriptures. We all get so hooked on the known verses that we overlook some of the most powerful. That is why a lifetime of study is so important. We don't want to miss out on anything.
It Will Work Out.
I have to remind myself this everyday.
Choosing Christ.
Come unto Christ. Everyday as we make an effort to come unto him and put him first, things have a way of working out. If we make Christ the center of our life, he is able to guide us to where to need to go. If we let ourselves hinder in the journey to choose him, our days become long and hard. Satan is able to get in and attack us more easily. We must build up our walls by making Christ our anchor.
Its amazing how a place can shape you. This tiny town in Virginia has changed me.
I feel like I have only scratched the surface.
But I don't really comprehend a lot from this year. Its so hard to explain how much I have grown and changed and the frustrating part is that a lot of people won't even be able to see how much I have changed. My heart went through a refiners fire this year and I am so grateful for it.
I realized that as the semester came to a close, I wasn't good at handling change. I love knowing my schedule and that I see certain people at certain times of day because that is how our schedules work. I was sad to think of all the people that won't be back next year. It pains me to think of how the RA group is changing next year. I saw all these moments flashing through my head making me cherish everyday and questioning if I really recognized it in the moment.
I will hold this year so close to my heart. And as I have been writing this post, many tears have been added to the millions that have been shed throughout the year. I am just so grateful for the experiences and trials and people that are apart of my life.
Now, don't get the wrong idea. Even though there were a lot of tears, there were a lot of laughs. My side was in pain from laughing so hard all the time! I feel bad that so many of you don't get to enjoy the crazies that our my friends. They are the best. And every one of those tears and every laugh that was shared, I have counted and trapped in my mason jars of memories.
The future has never terrified me more than it does right now.
But what a good thing to know that,
